“My husband leaves all the house chores for me alone!”
Sadly, this is a cry in the heart of some women.
Household responsibilities are one of the most demanding jobs ever.
Unfortunately, little is being said about it.
The job seems little until you start, and by the time it’s dusk, you discover that you still have a lot of work yet to be touched.
And your husband refuses to join in the work but would rather watch you do them.
But really, why should your husband do this?
Why would he expect you to do everything and does nothing to ease the burden?
It could be due to one or two of the following reasons.
Why Does My Husband Expect Me To Do Everything?
1. Traditional gender roles
Your husband probably expects you to do everything because he believes in traditional gender roles where a man is seen as the “strong one” and the woman “the weaker vessel”.
He believes the man is the provider and the woman is the homemaker.
Hence, the man does the seemingly hard job, and the woman does the simple ones.
To him, household responsibility is a simple job, and you should be able to do them well if you make proper plans.
He would rather sit lounge on the couch than help do the dishes.
Some men won’t even clear up their own plates after their meal.
You both leave the house in the morning for work and when you return, you will assume your role as the “housewife”.
One thing your husband might ignore is that gender roles tend to lead to resentment and a lack of intimacy.
When you have to do almost everything at home,
From washing, cooking, doing the laundry, caring for the baby all by yourself while he’s at home doing nothing,
You will indeed find it difficult to be happy with him. Frustration and anger can set in.
At the same time, when you’re already fagged out after doing a lot of work in the day if your husband attempts to come closer to have a “great time” with you, you would almost definitely say no, except you’re in the mood.
It is pretty interesting that those who hammer on this gender role still expect that the woman also makes financial contributions towards the home.
Although, things have changed.
In that, many men are now coming to terms with the fact that there’s nothing like a simple job.
Your frustrations are valid, Sis.
It will be good to speak to your husband when you both are in a very calm mood.
Pour out your mind lovingly.
Express your frustration to him.
Let him know that to you, “love is service”.
We keep serving each other.
And give him time to adjust.
2. His upbringing
If your husband grew up in a family where Dad doesn’t lift a finger at home and Mum does everything, this explains why he expects the same from you.
Some people bring into marriage the same ideology and practice they saw their parents do.
Some men say, “My mum did it without complaining.”
“Food was always ready on time.”
“She wakes up early to do the laundry.”
His mom might not be happy doing it, but she did it because she had to.
And she was able to “successfully” hide her pain.
So, subconsciously, he assumed his mom was happy.
But, well, you’re not his mom, and you can’t be.
The fact that his parents embraced this doesn’t mean he should also do the same in his marriage.
He needs to unlearn, learn and relearn.
He needs to strip himself of a stereotype that is affecting you as his wife.
I’d suggest you speak with him.
Make him understand that your marriage is different from his parent’s marriage.
You both can create a new reality.
If you’re unhappy about something, he should be able to adjust.
3. Lack of awareness
Some husbands don’t understand how burdensome house chores can be.
This happens when they see that you can do these things well.
For example, before he wakes up in the morning, breakfast is ready,
The toilet has been washed clean,
The laundry has been fixed.
And he wakes up to a sparkling clean home.
He might appreciate your effort without fully understanding the depth of such an attempt.
Hence, he might not be able to show empathy as expected.
Especially if he never had to do house chores when he was single.
If this is the reality with your husband, you may need to sit him down and analyse your typical day.
Explain the effort you put into what you do in the house.
Analyse how long it takes you to get things done.
And, more importantly, delegate duties to him.
You could ask him to join you in the kitchen to assist you when cooking.
When you need to mop the floor, and he’s around, you can call him to assist.
If you need to rest, you can give him the baby to tend to while you sleep.
When you do these, you will see him start being more empathetic and active in household responsibilities.
4. Control issues
Someone who is controlling believes that specific responsibilities are beneath him.
Hence he wouldn’t do them.
He believes in being “the man” of the house whose right is to be served.
And, of course, you can’t ask him for assistance because when you do, you’re challenging his authority as “the head”.
These control freaks expect you to do everything without complaining.
You puncture their ego if you, by any chance, ask them for helping hands or even complain.
5. Job demands
If he’s doing a job that is tedious and time-demanding, and yours is a flexible one,
He would almost always be unavailable to handle some house chores.
This is because he might get home late from work, and when he’s back, he wants to rest and prepare for the next day.
And he’s aware of the nature of your job,
As a result of this, he might expect that you should be able to come to terms with this situation and handle the house chores.
You both can talk and arrange how he can make out a little time out of his busy schedule for some chores.
6. Personal preferences
When it comes to house chores, we all have our preferences.
For some, it could be laundry,
For others, it could be cooking.
If what you need your husband to assist you with is not his preference, he might not want to do it.
However, even though we have our preferences, house chores have to be done anyway.
Even if I don’t like to do dishes, I still have to do them.
Please talk with your husband about how his personal preference makes you uncomfortable.
7. Unspoken assumptions
When your husband assumes that you being a woman, will be able to handle specific responsibilities, and he leaves you to do them.
For instance, let’s say your baby is crying and needs attention; he could call you to come and attend to him because he feels “you’re the one who should do it”.
Household responsibilities aren’t easy at all.
Over time, it could take a toll on one.
You should engage your husband in a conversation.
As much as possible, ask him for help whenever you need it.
Do not project yourself as the “woman who can do everything and not get tired”.
Yeah, do the little you can when you can.
Take out time to rest.
In my local parlance, we say, “Work no dey finish, ” meaning there would always be something to do.
Hence, don’t overwork yourself.